8/16/2006

Shift_Dad

Filed under: — Kate @ 10:00 am EST

Phone conversation with my dad, in which I attempted to help him download the photos from his camera:

Me: Okay, so you created a new folder for the pictures, and opened the window with the contents of the camera?

Dad: Yes. So now I do edit, select all…

Me: Alright, now drag the files into the new folder.

Dad: Right click or left click?

Me: Left click.

Dad: *Misses folder, 337 files start copying onto the desktop* Stupid thing!

Me: *sighing* Cancel it.

Dad: I swear, I dragged them into the folder!

Me: I’m sure you did, Dad, but the folder icon is a small target. Open it up and try again.

Dad: Okay, I cancelled that and deleted the files from the desktop. So… edit, select all… oh, here it says “copy to file.” Should I do that?

Me: Dad, you are making this way more complicated that it has to be. Let me teach you a little trick. Select the first file in the list you want to copy.

Dad: Left click?

Me: Yes, left click.

Dad: Okay.

Me: Now, hold the shift key, and click on the last file on the list.

Dad: Nothing happened.

Me: Did you keep holding the shift key? Because you have to hold it until you click the last file.

Dad: Okay, let me try this again.

Me: *Repeating the instructions*

Dad: Nothing happened.

Me: *laughing* Dad, are you sure you did what I told you?

Dad: Yes. Why are you laughing at me? You know, it was working just fine when I was doing edit, select all.

Me: *laughing* Fine, just go ahead and do that again.

Dad: What’s so funny?

Me: Dad, what I just tried to teach you has been one of the most basic computer functions since, like the dawn of time. I just can’t understand why you couldn’t get it to work.

Dad: Edit, select all… okay, it’s copying.

Me: Finally! Dad, are you sure you were holding the shift key?

Dad: Yes, I was holding the shift key!

Me: Not the control key, the shift key?

Dad: Yes!! You know, I resent this! I know where the shift key is!! I KNEW WHERE THE SHIFT KEY WAS BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN A GLINT IN MY EYE!! SO IF I SAY I’M HOLDING THE SHIFT KEY, THEN I’M HOLDING…

Me: Yes?

Dad: …the spacebar.

Me: Ha ha. Wait, are you serious?

Dad: Yes. God, I have to stop doing this so late at night.

Me: Dad, it’s only 9:30.

Dad: I know, I know.

7/10/2006

Of Course We Watched the World Cup

Filed under: — Kate @ 11:07 pm EST

Yes, yes… before one more person asks me… Edo and I watched the World Cup Final yesterday. Not that either of us really cares about soccer, mind you.

Don’t get me wrong: I played as a kid, and like any good Italian, so did Edo. And he followed the teams, even went to some matches—but he’s just not passionate about the sport. However, during this year’s World Cup, he began to feel as though he had to pay attention.

You see, over the past few months, almost every person he’s encountered (especially at work) has assumed he was big soccer fan simply because he’s Italian. And this started way before Italy made it to the finals. So he gave in to the pressure and started following the World Cup so he would have something to say when pressed for his opinions. I thought he was selling out.

Me: Why are you bothering if you really don’t care? Can’t you just tell people that you really aren’t interested in soccer? That they are unfairly making assumptions about you based upon a stereotype?
Edo: Kate, it’s business. I need to have useless conversation topics.
Me: But you’re living a lie!

Anyway, even if Edo wasn’t selling his soul in the corporate world, we probably still would have watched the championship game. After all, it’s not every day that your country of birth makes it into the final game of the World Cup. And I do think that soccer is an interesting game, despite how many times I may delight in making fun of it (I only ever do it to get a rise out of Edo, anyway).

So, I will now present you with my wise and insightful observations about Sunday’s game:
1) While I fully understand why it’s done, it really sucks to end a game with penalty kicks.
2) A lot of the game seems to consist of grown men falling and flopping around on the ground like big babies.
3) As far as I could tell, France only had one player; so it was really stupid that he got himself thrown out of the game, even if that Italian guy really did give him a titty twister and call his sister a whore.
4) The Italians players have A LOT of hair.

7/7/2006

The Way to a UFIL’s Heart is Through His Stomach

Filed under: — Kate @ 9:00 pm EST

So… the UFIL left yesterday. And I have to admit, I really didn’t mind having him around; not that much, anyway. He’s really very sweet, and our communication deficit was quite amusing at times. Things probably would have been great if Edo and I had a spare bedroom. Well that, and a magic perpetually stocked refrigerator…

The day after he arrived:
Me: What happened to all the crackers?
Edo: What you should really be asking, Kate, is “What happened to all the cheese?” Remember all the cheese we had?

At the Indian buffet:
UFIL: You not having more to eat?
Me: No, I’m full.
UFIL: You eat like a bird!
Me: Well, I did have a good amount of food on my plate…
UFIL: A very tiny bird!

Wednesday night:
Edo: Are you hungry?
Me: Nah, I’m okay.
Edo: My dad says he’s not hungry, but I don’t believe him.
Me: Well, if you saw how much cake was left in the fridge, you might understand.
Edo: *looks in refrigerator* Oh…

Later Wednesday night:
Edo: Papi, do you want more food?
UFIL: No!
Edo: Are you sure?! Do you want some pizza?
UFIL: No!
Edo: Kate, check his pulse!
Me: *checking his carotid* Well, he’s still alive.
Edo: *explains to his father in Italian why I just felt his neck*
UFIL: *giggles*
Me: You know, Edo… it took two weeks, but I think we finally filled him up!

6/20/2006

Edo’s Ruminations on MySpace

Filed under: — Kate @ 7:20 am EST

Edo got sucked into browsing the MySpace vortex for a little while last night, and I had the pleasure of overhearing some of his bewildered thoughts…

“GOD! There are SO many people who do not deserve the internet!”

“Yes, you ARE a teenage whore.”

“Well, apparently I ran into the fat ho section…”

“Trizzie! You are SO always high, aren’t you? You also have big fake boobs. Good job!!”

“And there’s a guy dancing with a blowup doll…”

With pained disbelief: “I mean, honestly, why do they bother?”

“Ooh, Leah Marie has a goth nympho friend called raven nympho!”

“And this is why digital cameras should never have been invented.”

6/13/2006

What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?

Filed under: — Kate @ 11:03 pm EST

Lately, my computer has been emitting a rather shrill noise. It bugs me once in a while, but it’s really been bothering Edo, so he took the whole thing apart this past weekend and determined that it’s coming from the power supply. He couldn’t fix it, so that will have to be replaced. Oh well.

Fast forward to last night: I was minding my own business, not hurting anyone, when my ears were suddenly attacked by one of the most obnoxious noises I’ve ever heard.

“What the hell was that?!” I yelled.

“Oh, so you could hear that?” Edo replied.

“Yes, I could hear it! Now what the hell was it?!”

“It’s a high pitched tone ringtone that kids have been using since most adults can’t hear it.”

*Noise starts again*

“WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!!”

“Wow, so that really bugs you. Kate, I can barely hear it, especially now that I’ve lowered the volume. I must have lost a little of my hearing range.”

“Edo, that noise is intolerable. I think I would kill anyone who put that on their cell phone.”

Seriously, the noise was like torture, and it even gave me a bit of headache. I can’t believe anyone would willingly listen to that.

The weird thing is that now my computer is bugging me more than ever! It’s actually becoming intolerable. So I wonder, did my computer get worse, or have my ears become temporarily hypersensitive to high frequencies? Or (more likely) is this all just in my head?

Further Reading:
-A Ring Tone Meant to Fall on Deaf Ears [NYT]
-I am officially old [The Trouble With Spikol, via Philadelphia Will Do]

6/6/2006

If My Dad Ends Up At Gitmo, You’ll Know Why

Filed under: — Kate @ 8:24 am EST

My parents spent last weekend in Washington, DC, so I called them on Saturday to see how they were doing…

*phone ringing*

Dad: Hello!

Me: Hi Dad, just calling to see how your trip is going.

Dad: Great! We spent the day at the National Gallery of Art, and we just walked over to the the Capitol building.

Me: Cool!

Dad: Yeah. And right now, your mother is talking to the police.

Me: What?!

Dad: She’s asking them if we can go inside the Rotunda.

Me: Oh. So you’ve had a good day thus far?

Dad: Yep. Hey, I saw a duck earlier.

Me: You saw a duck.

Dad: Yep.

Me: Gee, Dad, that’s exciting.

Dad: No, no, I mean one of those amphibious vehicles from WWII. The ones that do the tours.

Me: Ohhhh… You know, I’ve given serious thought to blowing some of those things up. The ones in Philly, at least.

Dad: Really? Well I’ve given serious thought to blowing up some new housing developments.

Me: Ooh, that sounds like fun!

Dad: Yep, I’m going to become an urban terrorist.

Me: Um, Dad? Don’t you think maybe you shouldn’t be saying that while you’re standing on the steps of the US Capitol Building?

Mom (in the background): Shhhhhhh!! Stop that!

Dad: Oooh, now I’m being scolded… Wanna talk to Mom?

Me: Sure.

Mom: Hi Kate!

Me: Hi Mom, how’s it going?

Mom: Oh, fine… you know… just trying to keep your father out of jail…

5/30/2006

Every Single Day, Every Word You Say

Filed under: — Kate @ 8:09 am EST

Remember Moe the Stalker from last year?

Well, since I shot him down, for the most part I haven’t had to deal with him beyond our paths occasionally crossing in the hallway.

No more “coincidental” elevator meetings, weird phone calls, or U2 bait. And I found out from a coworker that he’s married. Ewwww.

Anyway, I ran into him last week while I was waiting in line for my daily latte…

“Hi Kate!” exclaimed Moe, his face lighting up.

*cringe*

I responded with a terse “hello,” and a half smile.

“How are you?”

“Fine, how are you?”

“I’m good,” he said, and after placing his order, walked over to wait next to me. “Listen, I’d still be willing to go out sometime if you wanted to.”

Is he for real?!!

“Um, sorry, but I don’t really have a moment to myself these days. Super busy, you now. A busy year. Never stops.”

(Man, I wish that was actually a lie.)

“Yes, I understand,” he said, attempting to look pathetic. “I just had the worst year ever.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But things are better now…”

“Oh, well good, I’m glad,” I replied as the barista handed me my latte. “Bye now!”

And then I tore off down the hall as fast as I could, taking a convoluted route back to my office so as not to end up in an elevator with him.

Why why why why WHY do all the creeps seem to like me?

Previously at the Landslide in My Ego:
-Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make
-Every Bond You Break, Every Step You Take

4/20/2006

Cheer Up, Sleepy Jean

Filed under: — Kate @ 1:28 pm EST

I have several college students who work in my office. Yesterday, I overheard them whispering about the meaning of “4/20,” like it was some big secret. So as I walked out into the other room, I quietly said “Everybody knows that.”

They all giggled, of course. Then I mentioned how I’d once been dragged to a George Clinton concert on 4/20, and ended up almost suffocating.

“George Clinton?” one of them asked, “Who’s that?”

“George Clinton. You know, Parliament? Funkadelic. The P.Funk All-Stars. One of the grandfathers of funk.”

Getting only blank stares, I just mumbled “Oh, nevermind.”

Then the discussion somehow turned to music that’s appropriate for kids. Someone brought up Dave Matthews Band (though I can’t imagine why…), and how there are always a lot of kids at those concerts. She said it surprised her, since DMB songs have a lot of language that isn’t appropriate for kids.

“Oh good lord,” I thought, and then asked aloud “Would you rather have your kids listening to Britney Spears?”

“Good point,” she replied.

Then I told them that I grew up listening to my parents’ music; lots of folk and Motown, some Simon & Garfunkel, CSNY, Billy Joel, Elton John, etc. [This isn’t to say that my parents weren’t strict about the language in any new songs to which I might have been listening. They just sort of forgot it was also present in some of their music. I used that argument to my benefit once I got a little older.]

But I digress. So anyway, as an afterthought I said “Oh, and the Monkees! I loved the Monkees!”

Blank stares again. “What’s the Monkees?”

(more…)

4/4/2006

Guidos or Vampires?

Filed under: — Kate @ 7:52 pm EST

It’s become an almost nightly event.

“Guidos or Vampires?” Edo asks me, his finger poised above the answering machine.

“Ummm…” I say, scrunching up my face. “Vampires.”

He presses the button and we wait for the message to play back.

“Prossimamente si svolgeranno le elezioni politiche. E’ un momento importante di partecipazione e di democrazia….”

“Damn! I thought for sure it was going to be the Red Cross this time!”

You see, our answering machine exists solely for the purpose of capturing prerecorded messages from either the American Red Cross, or people running for election back in Italy.

No shit—we’ve probably gotten 40 to 50 messages over the last two months. Freaking pasta lovers and plasma fiends…

2/27/2006

Wanna See My Gun?

Filed under: — Kate @ 6:40 am EST

As Edo was walking back to our apartment building on Saturday morning, he noticed a homeless man sitting by our door, clutching a brown paper bag. Deep in thought, Edo was trying to decide if he should go back up to our apartment, or wait outside for a friend he was expecting.

Well, he must have had a puzzled look on his face, because it prompted the homeless man to speak up…

“Are you all right man?”

“Yeah, just waiting for a friend.”

“Oh, I thought you wanted my gun.”

“No, not really.”

“Wanna see my gun?”

“No thanks.”

“Wanna shoot somebody?”

“No thanks, not today.”

Homeless man stands up, looks at abandoned pink and purple ladies bike with completely flat tires and screwed up gears.

“Do you know whose bike this is?”

“No, not really. It has been abandoned in my building for like two years.”

“So, if I take it no one’s gonna say I stole it?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. Go right ahead… it might not work too well, though.”

“It’s a bike… I’m homeless… I need a bike!”

Homeless man walks away with non-functional bike.

2/13/2006

Edo on Piazzas:

Filed under: — Kate @ 10:53 am EST


“You know, Italians need to get off their high horse about piazzas. We’re more than a collection of fucking piazzas!!”

2/6/2006

That’s So Punny

Filed under: — Kate @ 2:08 pm EST

Spotted on the electrician’s cart today…

“Volts Wagon.”

2/1/2006

Pillow Talk

Filed under: — Kate @ 7:12 am EST

“What time did you come to bed last night?”

“I don’t know… around 1:00?”

“Was I hogging the bed?”

“No… but after a few minutes, you did roll over on top of me.”

“Oh. Was it good for you?”

“Very funny.”

“Seriously, did I squash you?”

“Nah… I just let you stay there. You weren’t really bothering me.”

“Right. I was cuddling!”

“Honey, dead bodies don’t cuddle.”

12/20/2005

Cell Phone Conversation

Filed under: — Kate @ 6:57 am EST

Yo, are you on your way home?

No, I’m rolling a blunt here with my friend.

Oh, okay, so you’re still at the office—wait, what did you say?!

Tough guy voice: I’m rolling a blunt. You know, a doobie. (Aside: That’s the lingo, right?) We’re rolling blunts and knocking back some beers. And then I’m gonna snort some coke off a stripper’s ass.

Oh… so is that like a mini bachelor party before his girlfriend comes to town?

No. So what are you doing?

Oh me? Well I’m standing on the corner at 38th & Market trying to whore myself out, but I got no takers.

Bitch, you better get some action!

Well it’s too cold to show any skin, so it’s not going very well.

Well bitch, you know you better cut me in on 60% if you get any business.

Are you kidding?! Maybe if you were here to protect me. But when I’m working it alone with no pimp, I keeps ALL the money. You got that, BITCH?

10/26/2005

I Stand Corrected

Filed under: — Kate @ 10:40 am EST

I’d like to retract my earlier comment:

I’m not sure if assless pants are right for me… definitely not for Edo!!

Edo objected to this statement, pointing out that he always looks would look fabulous in assless pants.

My bad.

8/22/2005

Antagatory

Filed under: — Kate @ 4:47 pm EST

Well this past weekend was quite productive if not tiring. My parents really helped me out a lot with getting my new apartment in order. I would take this opportunity to publicly thank them, but they don’t actually know about this blog, so what good would that do? Anyway, the new place is still a long way from complete, but it’s finally becoming more livable. Yay!

On Friday night, I got into a somewhat heated debate with my dad over a current topic in the media (big surprise). It’s a long story, not worth the details, no big deal—we do that a lot. But the next morning, my mom and I were talking, and she was lecturing me about knowing when to give up pursuing an argument with him. I told her “He started it!” and she said “Yes, you’re right, what he said was very antagatory.”

Mom accidentally made up a new word and I quite like it.

An·tag·a·to·ry (an-”tag-&-”tOr-E): adj. indicating opposition or resistance and tending to cause anger, animosity, or indignation. Derived from the words “antagonistic” and “inflammatory.”

I wonder how you go about getting a new word in the dictionary…

8/8/2005

Airhead Moment of the Day

Filed under: — Kate @ 4:32 pm EST

Edo is about to board a plane and leave the good ol’ US of A for a three week journey back to the motherland (well, his motherland).

So he’s in the airport, and I asked him for his flight number so I could look it up on FlightView.

Here’s what FlightView had:

Me: “Are you sure you’re flying through Frankfurt?”
Edo: “Yeah, why?”
Me: “Because it says here you’re landing in France.”
Edo: “I was pretty sure I…
Me: “Oh wait, FRA is the abbreviation for Frankfurt, isn’t it. Dammit!!”

In my defense, half of the time he does actually fly through Paris…