The MySpace Vortex: Feel the Suck

Filed under: — Kate @ 7:58 am EST

or “MySpace Can Suck On My Asshole”

I’ve been sitting on this rant for months now, so I figured I should post it while we’re on the subject.

Okay, here goes: I really fucking hate MySpace. No offense to those of you who love it, but looking at some of those profiles makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

It’s FULL of bugs. Pages don’t load properly, and browsing gets interrupted by making you log into your account, then taking you to your home page and away from what you were trying to see in the first place.

The pages take forever to load, and when they finally do, you are often presented with a garbled mélange of bad graphics, flashy, messy text and horrific backgrounds. Some of the backgrounds are actually overlaid on the text—what the hell?!

It conjures up the really crappy personal websites people had ten years ago (myself included). You know, the ones hosted by Tripod or Angelfire or whatever. It’s like somebody took the internet, shoved it into a blender, and fed it to a dog who then vomited on my computer screen.

I’m often reminded of all the silly, juvenile things I did on my website when I was 18: one of my favorites was a little guy who would walk across the screen and then piss on an image of Leonardo DiCaprio (or DiCraprio, as I called him back then). Not that I don’t do silly, juvenile things now, of course—I just don’t do them with lots of flashing colors and animated gifs. And even when I did, you could always read my text.

And don’t get me going about the goddamn music that starts playing when a page eventually loads (though it’s nice to see some people have started turning that feature off).

Now I will admit that browsing through the profiles on MySpace can be somewhat addictive, often in the trainwreck sort of sense—SO many people making utter fools of themselves. But I really had no interest in joining the mess until last year when a friend started keeping a blog there, and I couldn’t even leave a comment without creating my own account. So reluctantly, I did. And I uploaded a picture so I wouldn’t be the only loser without one. I now have a whopping 10 friends.

Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe. Probably. But don’t get me wrong, I think the concept of MySpace (and sites like it) is brilliant. A great way for people with common interests to find each other, for current friends to stay in touch, and for old friends to reconnect. It’s an address that never changes, and easier than email. It’s also a great place for small bands to publicize themselves.

So like I said, great concept. But oh what horrible execution!

7 Responses to “The MySpace Vortex: Feel the Suck”

  1. howard Says:

    “It’s like somebody took the internet, shoved it into a blender, and fed it to a dog who then vomited on my computer screen.”

    -never has any one sentence ever so perfectly depicted this twisted little phenomenon. I’m thinking of instituting a “MySpace day” where all the uncool blogs (mine included) invert their color schemes, embed autoplaying music and video, and pictures of some guy named “Tom” who won’t leave you alone no matter how hard you try.

    Speaking of which, I did sign up for MySpace a while back so I could help my sister monitor my 14 year-old niece, and I immediately thought it creepy that everyone had to be friends with some 30 year-old guy.

    Not knowing any better at the time, I tried like hell to get this guy to stop cyberstalking my underage niece, but nothing worked. I figured it out eventually, but not before several “block this user” attempts.

    Which shows just how hopelessly unhip I’ve become.

  2. Ashley Says:

    I wholeheartedly agree and therefore have a love/hate relationship with the site. On the one hand it’s aggravating as hell for all of the aforementioned reasons. But on the other I’m indebted to it for helping me to reconnect with some cool people from the past.

    I will admit to being guilty of having a song on my page, though. But it’s a good song, so I feel I’m redeemed.

  3. Lushy Says:

    A lot of the pages do suck. I am all about adding some personality, but yeah, sometimes you can’t even read it. And there’s a lot of people who don’t have a grasp of spelling or grammar.

    By the way, Kate, thank you for joining myspace just so you could comment on my blog. TEAM PLAYER!!!

  4. Kate Says:

    Lushy, you’re welcome. I suppose I should also be thanking you—for making this rant possible. ;-)

  5. Lushy Says:

    Tom Losch…giving Kate a reason to rant since 1998!

  6. Heather Says:

    I really do agree. But I do love the concept, which is what keeps me there. I like having my blog there because not all of my friends are on LJ or even on my blogspot blog, but EVERYONE has stupid myspace, so I can’t go wrong with it. And it’s funny that you mention the Tripod and Angelfire sites, and LET’S NOT FORGET GEOSHITTIES! Because it was on Geoshitties that I first started online journalling and it was a holy monstrosity at best.. That is, until I learned some small bit of HTML and got hosted elsewhere. And from then on, I liked only clean, stream-lined looking sites with minimal graphics and no music unless it’s optional..
    But hey, at least we aren’t subjected to midi music anymore!!!

  7. Kate Says:


    I knew I was missing a major one!!

    But hey, at least we aren’t subjected to midi music anymore!!!

    Oh my god you are SO right. *Shudder*