12/8/2005

Ignoramus Maximus

Filed under: — Kate @ 2:59 pm EST

Maxim recently published “100 Things You Need to Know About Women.”

Not that I was expecting much, but the list is basically utter nonsense. As Mac wrote, “I swear, it’s as if some douchebag who doesn’t know any women except psychotic mental patient escapees wrote the list.”

I was originally going to refute the their idiotic notions here, but there’s really so much crap that I thought I’d just tell you when they got it (mostly) right.

Kinda True

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

Don’t give yourself so much credit. If she didn’t shave, it’s because she didn’t feel like it and knew it wouldn’t matter. Not because she was trying reign in her wild side. Women don’t like to show their unshaven legs to anyone. So this really applies to any activity, whether it’s going to the doctor, the beach, or the bedroom. When I had physical therapy for me knee, I always shaved. Because really, who wants to touch my stubble?

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

Okay, I admit, this one made me laugh. I’m trying to thing of major problems Edo and I have faced; who stayed calm, and who freaked out. And I have to say, it’s probably 50/50. I think it depends on the type of crisis, really.

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

Yes, but not because I was looking for it. It’s because you are too stupid to hide it somewhere I wouldn’t find it.

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

Well… it’s a little less picky than that. We’ll sit anywhere that we can trust the host cleans on a regular basis.

True:

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

Nothing more for me to say, really.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

Not necessarily the “biggest turnoff in the world,” but it will definitely send me into a fit of giggles. Take the socks off first, boys.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

Well yes, but only because I’m a packrat.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

You men are like perpetually fueled furnaces. Where does all that excess heat come from anyway?

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

Yeah, that one is right on the money. And I suggest that you DO shave.

[Via Pesky’Apostrophe via Yay! Blog!]

7 Responses to “Ignoramus Maximus”

  1. daveT Says:

    funniset part about this… the title… back in the day some people said (when i had the goatee) that i “kind of” resembled russell crowe in gladiator… and hence i was dubbed with the nickname maximus as that was his characters name. and since “maximus” is still, ahhh what’s the right word….. can’t think of anything better than hopelesly… single… i would be an Ignoramus Maximus.

  2. daveT Says:

    funniest part… not funniset part

  3. Holz Says:

    K advocating men shaving their twigs and berries… somehow, I have no response to this.

  4. Kate Says:

    Holz, methinks you misunderstood my comments… there was no advocating of the shaving of the twigs and the berries.

  5. Holz Says:

    In context:

    “6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)

    Yeah, that one is right on the money. And I suggest that you DO shave.”

    The quoted number seems to indicate “Inner thigh - We’re not suggesting you shave”. Then you say “I suggest you DO shave”. I assumed this meant on the inner thigh area.

    Apologies for the confusion.

  6. Kate Says:

    No problem… you do get it now, right? ;-)

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